My Insights:

My journey so far through this Lifestyle Makeover program has unfolded much like a blurry movie slowly coming into focus - just like my life.  The movie began the moment I heard about this program.  Filled with excitement at the possibility of finally wresting myself free from the chains of habit, I spent many energetic hours answering the questions.  I came to some level of learning and change just by that process.

Still, it was mostly an intellectual exercise and the reality of what it might really mean to participate was still blurry.  “Change my life?  Free help?  Great, let’s go,” was my thought.  However, there is always an underside to everything in life.  When Rosie informed me I had been chosen I was excited, to be sure; but I also felt a tug at the back of my mind that said, “What have I gotten myself into?  This may not be all warm and fuzzy.”  That iron will of mine was stirring in protest.

I wasn’t too conscious of it at that point, for the program had not begun yet; there was still no real threat to my closely held way of life.  That changed when I met with Dr. Bartlett to be weighed, measured (no wonder all my pants are too tight) and questioned. She was the essence of professional kindness, yet it was a little daunting to reveal myself like that.  During that appointment the edges of fuzziness took a bit of shape, and I awakened just a little more to the reality of my body and life.  For the first time, anxiety joined excitement in response to this program. 

Next, I was scheduled to meet with Dr. Ratte, the naturopath.  I was still in some level of denial at that point, and as I am a years-long veteran of holistic medicine, I was simply eager to meet with him.  In retrospect, I was also anxious; a deeper step down the rabbit hole of this process of changing my life.  “He’s gonna give me stuff to actually do,” was my unconscious thought.  This is getting a little too specific for my resistant self. 

Now, I believe in that we are all deeply responsible for co-creating our lives; that all life is part of a grand web that we influence by our very thoughts.  So the unconscious anxiety I held about meeting with Dr. Ratte helped create an interesting morning – one where everything went wrong resulting in me being very late for my appointment.

Challenges So Far:

I am driven by conflicting needs.  Like all life, I was born to grow and change; like most humans, I resist change with an iron will.  These two parts of me do not play well together, and the inner conflict leaves me edgy and unfocused, like two identical movies run on the same screen but not in sync:  The result is a jumbled flurry of blurry images that is hard to sort out.

My meeting with Dr. Ratte was filled with anxiety.  I couldn’t get past the fact that I had missed half my time with him.  So, in some sense I actually missed the whole meeting.  Not only that, but he poked around in my most hallowed habit:  My diet.  Though I remember little of the actually meeting, I do remember the end, when he suggested I go on a 28-day detoxification diet.  No sugar the whole month.  No dairy most of the month.  No meat or poultry some of the month.  And, aren’t there a few holidays coming up soon?  - Tis the season to be gluttonous, is it not? 

Mind you, I have done things like this before.  I have under my belt (so to speak) several day-long fasts; a few three-day detoxes; a five-day vacation from eating; and twice in my life I have ingested nothing for a whole week but fresh-squeezed fruit juice and water (those, I wouldn’t recommend).  Except for the brutal week-long tortures, I have found these cleanses to be refreshing.  My body lightens, my mind clears, my aches and pains subside, and my spirit rises.  But the shadowed measure of my psyche that thinks it will die if I don’t eat a lot of food rebels - absolutely hates - these cleanses.  To abstain from binging and feel lighter means risking awareness of the darkness and pain that drives my compulsion to eat.  And, I’d just as soon avoid the suffering.

Successes So Far:

In spite of my challenges, I realized that I am not in this program to play around, and I have a toddler watching me closely.  In a flash of passion, my drive to change has rushed into my body and slashed through my resistance.  I agreed to undertake the month-long cleanse - starting January 2nd.   

What I’m Looking Forward to:

I’m looking forward to moving forward with smaller, more realistic goals and mapping out a plan to reach them.  I’m looking forward to finding my focus and working on following through with things.  There is much more to say.  The story continues in the next installment of "The Life of Gerry."